We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves
by blowflylaura
Summary: Trying to forget the one you love is hard, trying to stop loving them is impossible.
1. Chapter 1

**We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves:**

_I'm kind of in a writing mood at the moment. This is just a one-shot that I came up with a few hours ago. The title comes from a quote by Eric Hoffer. Hope you enjoy it._

Rating - 18

Her eyes were on me, I could feel them. I'd been able to feel them from the minute I walked into the club. She was so far away from me but it was as if she was right next to me. I felt trapped by her gaze. I daren't turn around because if my gaze connected with hers, I might just give in there and then and I have to be strong.

I need to be strong.

I can't let her back into my life because I've already lived through the consequences of letting her in the last time. My heart is still in the healing process. I don't want her in my life.

Except I do.

No matter how many times I say I can do better, I don't need her, I think of ten more reasons why I do need her. Why she is the best it is going to get. Her eyes, her smile, the way she said my name, the way she made me feel. I'm in love with her, always have been and to sound clichéd I think I always will be but I can't be with her.

She was the only person I ever really opened up to. I let her break down all my defences because I felt comfortable with her. I trusted her. Well a fat lot of good that did to me. She took everything I told her in confidence and destroyed it.

She destroyed me.

"I need to get out of here," I shout the words into Katy's ear, hoping she can hear me over the music. She asks me if I'm okay and I simply nod. I just need fresh air. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

As soon as I leave the club I turn down the nearest side alley and breathe heavily. Fresh air filling my lungs. I had to get away from her penetrating gaze. It was killing me.

"You know, standing alone in a dark alley isn't advisable."

And there it was.

Her voice.

The voice that I fell in love with. The voice that told me she loved me. The voice that would tell me I looked beautiful first thing after waking up. That voice was the one I heard when she asked me to marry her.

She got down on one knee and told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but it was all just lies. Everything to do with her is just a lie.

Now she's standing right beside me, her body radiating heat. The hairs on the back of my neck are already standing up; I haven't been this close to her in months. I made sure I wasn't this close to her because being in such a close proximity to her was dangerous.

"I'm not alone." I reply sardonically. "But I want to be so can you go away."

I wasn't asking a question and she knew, I was telling her to go away. However, I knew she wouldn't listen and sure enough, she moved closer to me, resting her back against the wall next to me.

"I love you."

It's been a year and those words can still affect me just as much as they did when we dated.

"No." I span around and stood right in front of her so we were face to face. "You don't get to say that to me anymore." I shouted at her but she didn't flinch at my words. "You lost that right a year ago."

I tried to walk away from her but she grabbed my wrist and pushed me back against the wall. "Don't walk away from me." She said it firmly but I could hear the vulnerability in her voice.

If anybody else had pushed me against a wall, trapping me with their body, I'd have been terrified but despite the sternness of her voice, I knew she was more scared than me. She was scared of me walking away from her like I had done a year ago.

"I have nothing to say to you."

She leaned in closer to me, her breath tickling my lips. "Then don't talk." She captured my lips and I was reminded of how good it was to kiss her. Her tongue trailed over my bottom lip and against my better judgement, I parted my lips granting it entry. I wasn't sure which one of us made the noise, but I heard a guttural moan as our tongues collided for the first time in over a year. God she was an exceptionally good kisser. Her hands grabbed my wrists and held them above my head, preventing me from moving.

I knew I should have tried to move, should have told her to stop but she had trapped me.

And not just physically.

She had always been so enticing when we were together, I never wanted to leave her and now I was falling under her spell all over again. I was about to pull away when I felt her place soft kisses against my neck. My eyes involuntarily closed as she found my pulse point and sucked softly. She hadn't forgotten my weak spots. Her tongue darted out and licked my bruised skin.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you." I opened my eyes as she spoke.

She grabbed both of my wrists with her left hand and I was too focused on her eyes to notice that her right hand was currently making its way down my body. Her gaze was locked on mine; she was hardly blinking, almost as if she would miss something if she did.

"How much I've missed this."

She had unbuttoned my jeans and was cupping me. God she made me feel things I never knew I could feel. She pushed my underwear aside and slid her fingers through my wet folds. I heard her moan and I hadn't realised just how wet I was. She still had a supreme effect on me. No matter how much I wanted to push her off, I couldn't. My body was in ecstasy.

My body was betraying me.

"You've missed it too."

She kissed me hard before swiftly entering me with two fingers and simultaneously her thumb quickly found the swollen nub of pleasure which sent me into a whirlwind. God I've missed her so much. I move my hips to meet her thrusts and bury my head in her neck.

It felt amazing to have her touch me again. My head came back to rest against the wall.

"Look at me." Her ministrations were distracting me and the mixed emotions coursing through my body was making it incredibly difficult to obey her demand. She stilled her fingers. "Open your eyes and look at me."

Focusing hard, I managed to open them slightly. I was met straight away by her cobalt eyes. They were a lot darker than normal signalling her lust but if you peeled away that outer layer of lust, you could see that her eyes held nothing but love.

I couldn't cope with the way she was looking at me. It was making my stomach flip. Her eyes had always had power over me; they made me weak at the knees. Her intense stare coupled with the fact that her fingers had begun to move once more caused my eyes to close again.

She buried her head in the crook of my neck before stretching me a little bit further with a third finger. This was the first time I'd been intimate with anybody since we'd broken up.

Don't get me wrong, I tried. I tried to move on. I had cut her out of my life so I was determined to not let her still have control over me.

But she did.

When I kissed somebody other than her for the first time, I was comparing the way they kissed to the way she used to kiss me. I would notice how many things were different. The first guy I kissed after her for example never left a trail of kisses along my collarbone like she had. He never nibbled my earlobe; he never made me feel anything.

She made me feel everything.

I could feel my orgasm building up in me and I knew that she could feel it to. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter desperately trying to suppress my orgasm. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of making me feel this good.

She placed a soft kiss on my neck and I could feel her smirking. She knew the effect that she had on me and I hated that it made her feel this confident. I hated the fact that I was giving her what she wanted, I was giving her control. She nibbled my earlobe softly. "Let go."

I tried to prevent myself from giving in but I was powerless as she curled her fingers. I felt my orgasm wash over me and sweet relief fill my body. I felt my body go weak as I lost the strength to stay straight but Sophie released my wrists and gripped my waist keeping me steady as I came down from my high.

She pulled her fingers out slowly before brushing some of my hair behind my ear. She cupped my cheek with her now free hand and kissed me softly. It was a lot gentler than before but I could still feel the passion and love which surged through it.

"Tell me you love me."

She rested her forehead against mine and the vulnerability was back. I could feel the words in the back of my throat but I wouldn't give into her.

I wanted to tell her those three words that I used to take pleasure in saying whenever I got the opportunity but I couldn't.

She hurt me; I wasn't giving her the satisfaction of knowing that I still loved her.

That I haven't been able to stop loving her since we broke up.

"I stopped loving you a long time ago." This time my words had an effect on her and I watched as she recoiled slightly. "You mean nothing to me." She flinched again.

Lies.

That's all they were.

I was lying to her and to myself.

Of course she meant something to me; she meant the world to me. I wasn't telling her the truth and I think deep down she knew that but my words had had the designated effect. They had hurt her.

"You don't mean that." She said but I was already walking away from her. As soon as she recoiled, I managed to move out of her grasp.

"Sian," She shouted after me. "Please tell me you don't mean that."

I span around to see her crying. She looked so feeble, so fragile. I'd never seen her like that before. She had always had this air of confidence about her, that was what attracted me to her but now that had all disappeared. If anything she was a shadow of her former self.

I had done that.

My words had made her lose her confidence and now she was oozing vulnerability. But I couldn't stop, she needed to learn that she had hurt me and I wasn't going to just sit back.

Not anymore.

I had to show her I hated her because otherwise I would cave and show her that I really still loved her.

"Haven't you got a baby to be getting back to?"

I knew that was a low blow and I could see how hurt she was.

"You don't know anything."

My eyes narrowed in anger and I stormed back until this time she was against the wall. "Don't you dare say I don't know anything! I know that the entire time we were together, you were lying to me. You had a husband and then the kicker, you fell pregnant." My face was directly opposite her so our noses were touching. "I know you broke my heart so leave me alone and go back to your perfect little family."

I stepped back before spinning on my heels and leaving the alley. I needed a walk, I needed to curb my temper and I certainly couldn't do that around her.

Part of me wanted to go back and cuddle her, tell her I was sorry for what I said but I couldn't do that so I ignored my heart and listened to my brain. I carried on walking.

I would not let Sophie Webster back into my life.

Sophie sank down against the wall and brought her knees up. The tears were flowing down her cheeks rapidly. She had never seen Sian so angry before and the sight pained her. She wished Sian would come back but she had a feeling that wouldn't happen.

So instead she let herself cry in the darkness of the alley muttering only a single sentence.

"I lost it."


	2. Chapter 2

_Ask and you shall receive so here's the next part to this fic. It's the longest thing I've written so I hope it lives up to expectations, if it doesn't I'm going to blame it on the fact that it was supposed to be a one shot :P I'm not very happy with the ending but I think I might write an epilogue to try and redeem the ending. I want to thank everybody for the comments; they really mean the world to me. This part contains a bit of swearing. I hope you enjoy it_

Hurting her is my biggest regret.

That much is for sure. I never wanted to but I suppose a part of me knew that she would always end up getting hurt. I mean you can't play with fire without burning your fingers and everybody knows that you can't have your cake and eat it too because eventually you're going to throw up.

I loved her, I still do. When I proposed to her, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I was already married after all but I couldn't stop myself. Being around her made me act differently than I normally would. Any normal thought of reason disappeared.

I knew I was just digging myself a hole, one which was getting deeper and deeper by the minute but I couldn't stop.

To cut a long story short, I fell in love with Sian straight away and love can be man's biggest downfall

I often wonder whether if I had the chance to go back in time, would I still do the same? Would I still pursue a relationship with her? I wonder about that for only several seconds because I always know the answer.

Of course I would

I know it was wrong of me to lie to Sian, to lure her into a relationship where I wasn't 100% honest or faithful. I will never forgive myself for doing that but I can't say that I regret it because it meant I got to spend six months with Sian.

Six months isn't a long time, I know that but the six months we spent together were the best months of my life. I never really believed in soul mates but she is most definitely mine. I guess it's true what they say, if you stop looking, love will find you.

But of course I had to ruin it. Although technically it was doomed from the beginning because I was already married. Matthew was my first boyfriend, he proposed to me after a few years of dating and we had a quickie marriage. I guess I wanted to go against my parents. They wanted the big white wedding, no expense spared. But that wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted to get married, keep it simple and get wed.

I know, so romantic right.

But that's the thing, I am a romantic. I was so romantic when I was with Sian.

I bought her tulips randomly because they were her favourite flowers, I made her breakfast in bed whenever I spent the night, chocolate chip pancakes because she loved them, and I even surprised her with a weekend in Paris for her birthday. I was a brilliant girlfriend to her, if you forget about the obvious.

Being with Sian made me forget myself, it made me forget that I had a husband; it made me forget that my life away from Sian wasn't the life I wanted. She made everything perfect.

Things were going great for us, I was proud to be her girlfriend.

Then I fell pregnant.

It was an accident; one that I wished hadn't happened but sadly you don't always get what you want in life.

I'd spent the day with Sian just being with her. We spent the day in bed just being together. We ate junk food and stayed in our pyjamas and it was perfect. It was probably the best day I spent with Sian. And then I proposed to her.

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I just got so wrapped up in us being together I forgot that when I left her, I would be going back to a husband who I didn't love. Things between us were great and then I had to change that. I had to push things to the next step. Her eyes lit up when I asked the question and she smiled before kissing me.

She didn't even hesitate before answering. She whispered the word yes against my lips before pushing me back on the bed.

I knew that I would have to end my current marriage and I had everything planned. I would tell him I didn't love him anymore and ask for a divorce. I would omit the part about Sian because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than necessary but that's not what happened.

A few days passed and she kept talking about the engagement, making plans for our future. Then she mentioned the possibility of having kids and I couldn't handle that. She was planning our lives together and I was effectively cheating on her with my husband.

Things were moving too fast and I knew it was all my fault. I proposed to her, I made her believe that we had a future and although that was what I wanted more than anything else in the world, I made it impossible because I had a husband. I told her we needed to slow down and we ended up having an argument. She shouted at me, telling me I shouldn't have proposed if I didn't want to talk about the future. I shouted back that maybe she was right and for the first time, I walked away from her.

Back home, Matthew cuddled me as I cried. He held me close and let me cry into his shoulder. He didn't ask what was wrong instead he just soothed me and told me everything would be okay.

He was giving me what I wanted.

He was giving me comfort.

When he kissed me, I didn't push him away, I let him kiss away my tears and when I felt his hand undo my buttons, I let him. One thing led to another and two months later my pregnancy test turned positive. When people say things can't get any worse, they must surely know that yes they can.

It's life's amusement.

The guilt I felt from cheating on Sian was incredible. It ate away at me and then when I found out I was pregnant, the guilt almost killed me. Telling Sian I was pregnant was the hardest thing I ever had to do but she needed to know. I couldn't exactly hide the baby bump and I didn't think Sian was dense enough to believe that I was just gaining weight.

Seeing the first tear fall down her face broke my heart. I had made her cry, something that I promised I would never do. Telling her I was pregnant was incredibly difficult but what really killed me was explaining that I had a husband.

She thought I'd just had a one-night stand, she even said that we could get through it in time. When I showed her my wedding ring, I could see the cogs turning in her brain as she pieced everything together. I watched her face fall as she realised that I was married but that wasn't enough for her. She asked me to say it.

She made me admit it.

I obeyed and her hand slapped me hard across the face. The stinging pain and red mark didn't hurt nearly as much as watching her hand me the engagement ring back before she pushed me out of her flat, slamming the door in my face.

Seeing her tonight completely threw me. She looked gorgeous dancing as if she had no worries. I was intoxicated by her. I knew she had seen me, why else would she storm out of the club? Seeing her in the club was a complete and utter surprise and then when I followed her outside, I only wanted to talk. What happened instead wasn't planned. But when I saw her, breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling, her eyes closed and her cheeks flushed, I had to have her and from that moment I knew I was in trouble. When I kissed her I was fully expecting a hard shove on my chest pushing me away from her but she kissed me back.

I could taste the alcohol on her tongue but more importantly I could taste strawberries. She always used to taste like strawberries. When she buried her head in the crook of my neck the scent of vanilla wafted to my nostrils.

God I was so in love with her.

Oscar Wilde wrote when one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. Surely if that's correct than my relationship with Sian is a perfect romance. I deceived myself by thinking I could get away with cheating on my husband and I deceived her by letting her think that I was faithful to her. Although I was, it was only that one night that I ever cheated on Sian.

Love is hard.

I always got told when I was young that love was hard to find and if you found it, hold on tight because it can disappear in seconds but you will never forget the person you were in love with. It's been a year since Sian broke up with me and I have never once forgotten her.

Every night when I go to sleep I expect her arm to make its way around my waist, when I wake up I roll over expecting to see her face on the other pillow. She used to tell me that on Sunday mornings it was compulsory to stay in bed and I made the most of those Sunday mornings with her.

But I long for more Sunday mornings with her.

When Sian told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, that I meant nothing to her, I felt my heart break. I could feel the stabbing pain in my chest. Her words were said with such venom and ferocity, she wanted to make sure I felt every one of them and boy did I.

But what really hurt me, what really made me want to cry was when she mentioned my baby or rather my unborn baby. That stung but what hurt the most was that she didn't know what effect those words had on me.

After I lost the baby, I turned up on her doorstep crying. I don't know what I expected but I just needed to see her. I wanted her to wrap her arms around me and tell me everything would be okay but that never happened.

If you break somebody's heart, they don't just forgive you. Life is not like a movie, you can't woo them with flowers or dedicate a song to them on the radio and expect them to just turn around and say everything will be okay. In real life, it takes a lot more than that and the person has to be willing to listen. Sian never opened the door instead I heard her lock it, effectively locking me out of her life.

Now standing outside her door once more I'm praying that when she turns up she'll listen to what I have to say but I have a feeling she'll ignore me.

"A year. I've barely seen you in a year and then twice in one night." Sian said as she saw me on her door step. "Have you resorted to stalking me now?"

"I was here before you...how could I stalk you?"

Sian scoffed before opening her door and stepping inside. "Don't try and be funny, it doesn't suit you." I'd never had a door shut in my face before I met her and now for the second time, I had it happen.

"Sian..." I knocked on the now closed door praying that she would give me a chance to explain. "Please, I just want to talk." I could hear her moving about on the other side, it sounded like she was pacing. "I'm sorry for what happened in the alley."

Five seconds passed, then ten, then a minute and soon fifteen minutes had passed with neither of us making any sounds. She wasn't going to let me in, no matter how much I wanted her to. I guess she meant what she said when she told me I meant nothing to her anymore.

I thought she was lying, call me arrogant or cocky but I thought that I'd had a big enough impact on her life so that I would still mean something to her but I guess I was wrong.

"Okay, you win." I said, tapping on the door lightly one more time. "I'll do what you asked, I'll leave you alone."

I don't know what part of my sentence affected her but she opened the door. She'd changed out of her dress and was now wearing pyjamas, her hair was messy and her make-up had gone. She must have thought I'd left after apologising. She seemed embarrassed by the fact that I was seeing her dressed down sans make-up, even though I'd seen it before.

Hell I'd seen her naked and she had no reason to feel embarrassed.

She looked beautiful the way she was, perhaps even more beautiful now than an hour ago when she had been dressed up to the nines.

She blushed slightly as my eyes raked over her entire body, lingering slightly on her toned stomach which was revealed slightly by her short top. She followed my gaze before tugging her top down so her stomach was no longer exposed. "What do you want Sophie?"

"Can we talk?"

"Isn't it customary to talk before having sex?" Sian asked sarcastically. "But then again, you never were one for sticking to the rules."

I looked at her, my eyes trying to convey how desperate I was. "Please."

She didn't say anything but when she walked back into her flat leaving the door open I took it to mean she would listen to what I had to say. I shut the door behind me, catching Sian look over her shoulder. Probably to see whether I'd come in or walked away.

"I wanted to explain."

Sian stood behind the kitchen counter. "You've already explained. You did that a year ago Sophie. You remember right, the day you told me you were pregnant before telling me you had a husband." I flinched slightly at the bitterness in her voice. I knew I hurt her but seeing her now, a year on still hurt, I felt even guiltier. "How is he by the way? Did he ever find out that you were a little whore?"

That stung.

Don't get me wrong, when I told her about Matthew and the baby, she called me every name under the sun but it still hurt. I was used to her calling me babe, hun or saying she loved me. That was replaced by slut, liar, bitch and saying she hated me.

"I'm not married anymore."

That shocked her.

I watched as her eyes fell on my ring finger only for her to see no ring. Her eyebrows furrow and I think she's trying to figure out why she didn't notice earlier.

"Chuck you out did he?"

I shook my head before resting my back against the kitchen cabinets, only a few feet away from Sian. "I left him."

Sian shook her head and laughed quietly. "Do you expect me to believe that?" She asked, raising her right eyebrow. "Why on earth would you leave him and become a single mother?"

I looked away from her at the word mother. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes already. I would have given anything to be a mother but apparently it wasn't meant to be. I can still remember the miscarriage like it was yesterday. From the moment I woke up, something felt wrong.

I didn't feel right.

I'd never been a believer in the supernatural but something was different about that day. I couldn't put my finger on it but I had a feeling. Matthew shrugged off my worries and told me I was just panicking over nothing. Two hours later I started bleeding and the abdominal cramps became so great I started crying.

To this day I don't know whether I cried because I was in pain or because I knew.

I knew that I had just lost my baby.

"Like I said..." She looked at me as I finally started talking. "You don't know anything."

"I told you not to say that." Her voice was firmer now and I was reminded of how quickly she lost her temper in the alley. "Why are you even here Sophie? Go home to your daughter or did you have a son?"

"I didn't have anything."

"Guilt get the better of you did it?"

Was she really implying what I think she was? "What is the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I know I hurt Sian but I had no idea just how much of a bitch she could be when she was hurt. "If you're suggesting I had an abortion, I didn't." I walked to the front door and flung it open. "I had a miscarriage." Slamming the door behind me I walked away from Sian for the second time.

**Sian:**

I should not have done that.

She was near me for ten minutes and I did everything I swore I would never do again. I let her touch me, let her kiss me, let her have control over me and the kicker, I let her back in my life and now I know she's not going to leave.

The worst thing is, I don't think I want her to.

When we broke up, I was heartbroken. I spent days crying myself to sleep. The woman I loved had betrayed me. Katy asked me if I regretted meeting her, if I regretted having her in my life and I said yes.

But I didn't.

How could I regret the one person who ever made me truly believe in love and happy endings? I hated what she did and a part of me will always hate her for it but a part of me still loves her. And you know what they say, the heart rules the head.

That was apparent tonight.

I let my heart dictate what I did.

When I walked away from her in the alley, I never expected to see her again, although every fibre in my body wanted to see her again. Then there she was. Standing outside my flat door, her eyes pleading with me to give her a chance. I couldn't cope with the way she was staring at me so I shut the door in her face.

I could hear her keep talking, her fingers gently tapping against the wooden door and then silence. I closed my eyes realising that she had given up and immediately removed my dress before ridding myself of my make-up. I wanted to try and forget about what happened earlier tonight even though I still shivered at the memory.

Staring at myself in the mirror I noticed how the woman staring back at me wasn't the same person now as a year ago. A year ago I had warmth and love in my eyes, my smile reached my eyes but now that person was just a distant memory. Sophie had destroyed her.

Ironically Sophie was the reason my eyes held warmth in the first place.

That was when I heard her voice. She was still outside the flat. She hadn't left. My heart ached at that fact; she had stayed hoping I would open the door. I couldn't leave her standing there.

I forgot what I was wearing and I forgot that my make-up had gone and I opened the door. She smiled at me softly but then I felt her eyes on my body. She was looking me up and down and the glint in her eyes made me feel self-conscious. She was the last person to look at me like that and it always made me feel nervous.

Our conversation didn't end up going the way I had expected and when I suggested that she had had an abortion, I felt disgusted with myself. I was surprised that I could have been such a bitch to her. The words 'I had a miscarriage' have been echoing around my mind since she walked away from me and I feel incredibly guilty.

She hurt me and instead of acting like the bigger person, I'm acting like a petulant child and I'm playing her at the same game. I'm trying to hurt her because she hurt me. I'm trying to hurt her because it's the only thing I can do to protect my heart.

Now I'm the one standing outside her door hoping that she'll let me in because now I'm the one who has to apologise.

"What do you want Sian?" Her tone is exactly like mine was yesterday. It pained her to see me, just like it had pained me yesterday both times.

"Can I come in?" I asked. The hope evident in my voice.

She shook her head and sighed heavily but opened the door a little wider allowing me to walk in. She immediately tried to distance herself from me. "I'm sorry, I had no idea." I grabbed her wrist before she could walk away from me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She jerked her wrist out of my grasp. "I was trying to explain everything to you but you wouldn't listen." She rubbed her wrist which now sported a small red mark. I felt a pang of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

"I was angry; you can hardly blame me for not wanting to speak to you." I said. "I didn't even want you near me."

Sophie laughed. "Didn't seem to bother you yesterday when I had my fingers..."

"Sophie!" I interrupted her quickly. She smirked a little at me but didn't finish her sentence for which I was grateful.

The memory of what happened yesterday was still fresh in my mind. If I closed my eyes I could practically feel her fingers, her lips against my neck, her breath against my ear. God, just the sheer memory gave me goosebumps. The way she was looking at me now made it difficult for me to stay where I was. I had to force myself to not move closer to her, not give into her again.

That was proving difficult however with the way she was staring at me, her bottom lip tugged between her teeth.

God I found her confidence sexy.

"I'm ready to listen."

Sophie released her lip from her teeth and stared at me. "What?"

I pulled a chair out and sat down, my elbows coming to rest on the table. I kicked the chair adjacent to me signalling for Sophie to sit down and after a minute's deliberation, she obeyed. "Tell me what happened."

"Long or short version."

"I think the long story is the least you owe me." I said and when she ducked her head I knew that she was going to tell me everything.

She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes before bringing her gaze back to mine. "I just want you to know that everything I ever told you, I meant it. When I said I love you, I meant it." I didn't fail to notice how she used the present tense instead of the past, not that I was surprised, she had told me she loved me only last night.

"That night when I told you everything, I was eight weeks pregnant." I nodded as she spoke, she had told me that.

That night she told me that since we started dating she hadn't touched her husband. The night she slept with him was because we'd had a huge argument. I can still remember the argument to this day. I had made the mistake of mentioning kids and she suddenly lost her temper and told me we were moving too fast. That statement had always confused me; I mean she was the one who proposed to me. Surely she wanted us to move forward.

After she told me she tried to justify her actions by saying she only slept with him because he made her feel comforted and loved and after our fight and that was what she needed.

The excuse didn't work for me and that was the night she broke my heart and I broke up with her.

"Sian?" I snapped out of my reverie when I heard her voice. "You okay?"

"Yeah sorry, continue."

"I miscarried when I was twelve weeks pregnant." She explained as my face dropped. "I'd felt weird all day, almost like I knew something was wrong but I just put it down to stress or nerves or guilt over hurting you. A couple of hours later I got severe cramps that made me want to cry and then there was the blood." My hand came to rest on hers before she shrugged away from my touch. "I knew what had happened before the doctor told me. I'm not an idiot, I knew the moment I saw the blood."

"Soph, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." She said. "I don't need sympathy especially from you." My eyebrows furrowed. "I hurt you Sian; you don't owe me any sympathy."

"I know but I'm still sorry." I said giving her a sympathetic smile before my eyes widened. "And I'm sorry I had the audacity to even suggest that you would have had an abortion. That was so wrong of me; I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me."

"I thought about it." She confessed and my eyes widened even more. "When I saw my pregnancy test turn positive I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to lose you though, I knew that much." She paused momentarily. "I thought about getting an abortion so you wouldn't find out. Can you believe that? What kind of sick person thinks like that?"

"Soph..."

"I couldn't do that though, I knew I would never be able to do it." She said. "No surprise I miscarried."

"The miscarriage wasn't your fault." I placed my hand over hers; stroking the back of it with my thumb and this time she didn't pull away. "You can't blame yourself."

"I thought about getting an abortion and then a month later, I miscarry. You're telling me that's not a coincidence." She asked. "If that's not enough proof how about the fact that I cheated on my husband for six months with you? I wasn't a good person Sian. And you know what they say, what goes around comes around. I lost you, my husband and my baby all in the space of two months."

"Losing me, okay that was your fault but you can't blame yourself for the other two."

Sophie shook her head. "After my miscarriage, I constantly picked fights with Matthew." It's been a year and a half since I met Sophie and I never knew her husband's name until now. "I didn't want his sympathy and when he tried to comfort me, I just couldn't cope. I didn't deserve anything from him and I just wanted you to be the person holding me and comforting me." I removed my hand from hers.

I was comforting her now. What if I had comforted her a year ago? What if I hadn't cut her out of my life?

"I told him I didn't love him anymore."

"How'd he take that?" I asked. "I can't imagine it would be easy to hear."

"He shouted, threw some things and punched a wall." She explained. "I told him I wanted a divorce and last night it was finalised. That's why I was at the club. I was celebrating for lack of a better word."

"So the first thing you do is sleep with me?" I asked. "What was I like your celebratory gift to yourself?"

"What? No, of course not!" She was quick to quash that suggestion. "I had no idea you would be there, seeing you there it was just a coincidence but I couldn't not talk to you."

"So you followed me outside."

Sophie nodded before wringing her fingers together. "When I followed you I only wanted to talk to you. You have to believe me I never planned on what happened."

"You instigated it!"

"Yeah but you didn't exactly stop me."

I shook my head. "You had hold of my wrists, I couldn't move."

Sophie gave me her typical confident smirk. "I didn't know I was that strong." When I frowned back at her she dropped the smirk. "Even if I was strong enough to keep you there, you could have still stopped me."

"How?"

"You could have said no."

My mind flashed back to the previous night, when she was trapping me, stopping me from moving, the word no was never on my lips. I wasn't even thinking of saying no. I mean how could I? The love of my life was taking me and it felt amazing.

"But you didn't because you wanted last night just as much as I did." Sophie said, her hand finding a home on my thigh. "I know you didn't mean what you said last night." My eyebrows furrowed. "That I mean nothing to you, that you don't love me. I know you were just saying them to hurt me."

That confidence made me fall for her but now it is getting on my nerves. I shove her hand off my thigh before standing up. "You think so highly of yourself don't you."

"Sian..."

"What makes you say that I didn't mean what I said?" I asked, speaking before she had a chance to reply. "You broke my heart, you basically obliterated it. You don't have any idea how that feels!"

"Yes I do because when you broke up with me, my heart broke." Sophie stated. "Last night when you said you didn't love me, it crushed me. You are the only person that has ever truly had my heart. You are the only person to have it."

"You lied to me for six months!" I shouted the words at her and she just sat there. "Last night was a mistake."

Just like that she was in front of me, her body pressed against mine. I could hear her breathing and I could feel her heartbeat in her chest. "So if I was to kiss you right now..."

Her lips came closer to mine, hovering just mere inches away from them. I wanted her to close the distance; I wanted to feel her lips against mine. It hadn't even been a day since I'd last felt them but it felt like a lifetime. Kissing her after a year had set every one of my senses alight.

Subconsciously I leaned forward just a little bit but it brought our lips even closer. I heard her breath hitch. Her hand cupped my cheek as I looked into her eyes; they were already a darker shade of blue.

"I really want to kiss you." The words came out in a hurried whisper. She touched my lips for less than a second before the contact disappeared. "Please say that I can because I don't think I can walk away."

My throat felt dry. It was like last night, she had started off as confident before her vulnerability shone through. I had no idea that she was this vulnerable. It was almost as if I said no then she would break right there and then. The only difference between now and last night is that she isn't being as forceful, she is asking for permission to kiss me.

She's never done that.

Not that she ever needed permission; I was always more than willing to kiss her.

I shouldn't let her kiss me. I know that. If I did, it would just end up like last night, we'd have sex and that wouldn't solve any problems but I found myself nodding. I couldn't speak, couldn't muster any words but I was nodding.

That was all the persuasion she needed and soon enough her lips were on mine. The kiss was desperate yet filled with passion. I know I've said this before but she really was an exceptional kisser. Her kisses made me shiver. Hell even the slightest touch from her could make me shiver. She broke the kiss and gave me a soft smile before bringing our lips together once more.

The moment I felt her tongue connect with mine I knew I was in trouble, there was no way I was stopping her now. I felt pressure as she pushed me backwards until my back hit the table. She placed her hands under my knees and lifted me up slightly so I was sitting on top of it.

Never once did she break the kiss.

I felt it the moment her hands came into contact with my stomach, that spark I had when we first kissed overtook my body. She smirked into the kiss as she felt goosebumps appear at her touch. "You are so beautiful."

I could hear the sincerity in her voice and it made me smile. Glad that her compliment had the desired effect, Sophie smiled widely back at me. Last night I could see the love in her eyes but it was hidden behind her lust. Now it was the lust which was hidden. Looking up at her, her eyes held nothing but love.

I grabbed the back of her neck and crashed our lips together. She laughed into the kiss as she felt me fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. I reluctantly pulled back so I could undo the buttons easier but I still struggled.

"I'll do it."

I playfully smacked her hand away. I could do this; I could feel my hands shaking and although I can't pinpoint the reason why I shrug it off. I grasped both sides of her shirt tightly before giving it a strong tug, smiling proudly as the buttons pop off and her shirt lays open. I lick my lips as my eyes fall on her bra-cladded chest for the first time in a year.

"Eyes up here."

God she is beautiful.

When we were together, I wanted to show her off to everybody. I wanted everybody to see how gorgeous my girlfriend was, how lucky I was and how proud I was to have her.

My eyes close as Sophie's lips attach themselves to my neck. I can feel her smile into every kiss and my heart swells with love.

I am so in love with her.

It hurts.

"I love you." The words leave my mouth like word vomit and I can't take them back. I shouldn't have told her that. In doing so I've given her what she wanted to hear. She knew I loved her but by not admitting it to her I was regaining some of the power. I had something over her.

I knew she was still in love with me but she didn't know for definite that I was still in love with her. No matter how confident she was, she still had that doubt.

Now that doubt had disappeared because I had confessed.

I can feel her breath against my lips. She stopped kissing my neck the moment I spoke. "Sian, look at me."

The same command as last night except this time it isn't soft as a result of her vulnerability, it is soft due to love.

I open my eyes slightly, just enough to see her smiling at me. She gave me a chaste kiss. "I love you too." She kissed me again muttering always against my lips. "Bed?"

I nodded once again, scared to speak because I was afraid of what I would say. She cupped my ass and lifted me up, my legs wrapping around her waist.

Fuck, when she did get so strong?

Her lips are on mine from the moment she picks me up until the moment my back hits the bed. She removes her shirt before crawling on top of me. "I'm so glad we're okay."

My eyes snapped open at that. Were we okay? We hadn't properly discussed anything, her body constantly getting in the way. "Stop."

She immediately rolls off me. "What's wrong?"

"We can't do this." I said as I stood from the bed, throwing her shirt back at her. "You broke my heart; we can't just keep having sex and expect that problem to solve itself."

"I thought things were okay." Sophie said as she shrugged her shirt back on.

"You haven't even apologised Sophie!"

Sophie shook her head furiously. "What? Of course I have."

I laughed whilst shaking my head. "No you haven't. When you told me about your husband and baby, you apologised for lying to me and you apologised for hurting me. But you never apologised for doing it."

Sophie opened her mouth before closing it when no words came out. "Because if I said I was I'd be lying."

"What does that mean?"

Sophie pressed her arms against her chest closing her shirt over. "I can't say I'm sorry for what I did because it meant I got to spend six months with you." She explained. "Sian I love you and I want to be with you."

"I can't be with you."

"What? Why?"

She grabbed my hand in an attempt to stop me from walking away again. "You make me lose control. I stop being sensible and I do things I shouldn't." I said. "You made me fall so deeply in love with you that even after everything you did; I'm still in love with you. You hurt me but I still love you so much that I would give you another chance in a heartbeat."

"Then give me another chance. "

I shook my head. "I can't have you hurt me again. I can't risk you breaking my heart again; it's still not fully healed.

Sophie placed her hand in mine before entwining our fingers. "I will never hurt you again. I swear." She said and I could hear that she meant every word. "Please say you'll give me a second chance."

Love makes you do stupid things; it makes you a different person. When we were first together I would have done anything for Sophie. Do you remember that question your parents used to ask you "If your friends told you to jump off a cliff, would you?" It was always rhetorical, they never expected an answer but truth is I would have done that for Sophie.

I still would do anything for her.

No matter how much she hurt me, she is my soul mate and she will always be the best I'm going to get.

So when I nod my head in answer to her question, I don't think about the consequences of my actions. When she wraps her arms around me in a grateful hug, I forget momentarily about the hurt I felt and I lose myself in her arms.

Letting her back into my life could either be the best decision I've ever made or the worst mistake of my life.

But if I cut her out of my life, I'd regret it.

Even if I end up regretting my decision to give her a second chance, at least I can say that I tried.

She whispers a soft thank you in my ear before placing a kiss just underneath it and at that moment, having her in my arms is enough.

I can forget about what might happen in the future and just focus on the present.

My fast heartbeat is telling me I've made the right decision.

But my head, my head is telling me to be careful.


End file.
